I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
