im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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