Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
