sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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