I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
