Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
