I faked an abortion last night.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He better not be in your backpack
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
