its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
