Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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