There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
