I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
