in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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