I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
