I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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