I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
