He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
