he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
