a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
