Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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