There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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