Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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