I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just threw up on my dentist
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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