So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
