I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize