It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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