we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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