Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
