My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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