Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
