Just fell off a train. Bad.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
