Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
