I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
