3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize