After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
