Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
