If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
