She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
