in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize