i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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