why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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