Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
