i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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