I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
