Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
