So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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