i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
