I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
