Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize