While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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