Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
