Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
