I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
