Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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