WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
