I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
