I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Maybe he injected his testicle?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
