the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
