woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
