My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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