my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
