Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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