I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
