Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
