Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
