I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize