This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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