You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
